back to the salt mines
yesterday was wonderful, so nice. the surprise was a facial and a massage for my sis and me, mama outdid herself as usual. it was blissful. especially the facial. the massage was painful, but productive. i am about to take a hot shower and that should help the soreness, but it was worth it. i am going to investigate this place up the street called massage envy, they have some kind of monthly membership plan and i am going to make the investment if it is reasonable. selfish time.
also, tonight, i am going to put the schedule that i have been working on here. then i can work out the kinks as i go.
today is my long, hectic day. i am going to shower now and get focused, and i am going to leave early enough to get those diapies in the mail for that hipmama.
rainy awesome wednesday
awesome because i love rain and i love not having to go to work today. and awesome cause mr. finicky woke up with a good appetite, and awsome because my sis and niece are still here, and we are going to hang out at the parent’s house today, and potentially awesome because mama told me to be there by about 11:30, and i am hoping that we are going to do something fun together.
so it is almost 10, we have roughly an hour before we have to go, and i think i am going to be content with cleaning off the counters and the kitchen table, getting dressed in some serious day off clothes. and hitting the road.
remembering my knitting and the camera.
secretly even hoping for a nap! greedy bitch that i am.
monday
i had a pretty good day today, why oh why do i fight so hard to take care of myself? why is it such a chore? one good thing i did…i deleted my account on the old mama board, it was HARD, but very necessary. i am too tired to write about that tonight.
tomorrow, i must catch up at work to unburden and unstress my mind, and be able to have a really fun day on wednesday with nicole and ariel.
off to do a bit of yoga and then shower. i will do both. i will.
and in other news
vincent and i both have strep throat, which is the most painful thing i have experienced in a very, very long time. OUCH. agony. glad vincent didn’t have this sore throat…if he had, i can’t imagine he would have held it together. anyway, i dragged my ass to the care now on friday morning and my test was positive, josh and vin went saturday while i dragged my ass to work, josh’s was negative but vin’s was positive. we got shots to speed the effects of the penicillin. a shout out to josh for holding vincent through his first throat culture and a big huge shot…
also, i have decided to leave the online community that i have been a very active part of for many years. there are a couple of mamas there with very obvious (if you are me) personality disorders and they have wrapped themselves up in a rather toxic game of projective identification with me. it is gross, and as in any classic projective identification, nothing i say can be “heard”, which is exponentially harder seeing as nobody “hears” me, they just read my words and project-a-go-go all over the place. it has to end. so, i am formulating a farewell that isn’t too dramatic-sounding and i will post it here for posterity. HA!
off to knit while my hair dries.
happy mother’s day to me, to you, to us
happy mother’s day to me! and to all of us. soon i will get dressed ( i just had a lovely and leisurely shower, i even shaved!) and go to my mama’s house, where my sister is, and my niece…oh yeah, and my dad and my husband, and i will relax a bit, then cook the big juicy steaks that my sis bought. i love to cook, and my family trusts only me with that task when it involves any sort of red meat! i am drooling just thinking about it. i also plan to go over to whole foods and get a chair massage at some point, it would be rad if i could talk my sis into going with me.
being a mama is the most fulfilling and frightening and empowering and humbling thing i have ever tried to do. my son is the epicenter of my world and as a result my epicenter changes and grows every day. i love this life so much that every hardship is worth it when i look at his face.
whoa! wednesday?!?
tired, good day, really. vincent and i had much fun cooking, cleaning, and relaxing. i went to meet with my private pay client (who stood me up sunday) only to be stood up again. headed to work to see one of my kids in sort of a crisis…it was worth it. this kid is in my heart. he is struggling with some shit that i feel he needed some extra support to deal with, and i hope he makes the right decision. we have a family session tomorrow night.
had some computer problems, seem to be fixed.
i will have the luxury to update tomorrow morning when i am not brain dead, because josh will be here to play with il douce.
good night.
saturday
it is 8:49, i am making green tea and tamagoyaki for breakfast. i drank the water/lemon/flax meal concoction. i took a shower. i have to be downtown to see my one and only private pay client at 10. i am going to blog while my eggs are setting up, then watch a little tv while i eat. vincent and josh are still asleep. josh will be in charge of vin until 2 pm.
my mama is meeting me afterwards, and we are going to get pedicures and waxing. then, we are going to go back to her house and dye our hair.
this will set my self care calendar for the NEXT time to…let’s say sunday the 25 of may. that is memorial day weekend. ok.
maintenance. i am taking myself in for a tune up today. maybe i can even drop off my car for a tune up. will ask mama to call sears at the mall or firestone.
will carry my 32 oz of lemon water. will stop by whole foods for my pomegranate water at some point.
today i am going to eat well, if not all cleanse-friendly. tomorrow, my plan is to begin the cleanse in earnest and for monday and tuesday, replace two meals a day with the shake i bought from the nutritionist. packing all cleanse foods for those days for the rest of my meal/snacks. giving digestion a rest, since yesterday and most likely today i put gluten and sugar in there.
have also decided to detox from my mom board, it is too much of a snake pit. more to follow on how and why communities of women seem to not be easy for me to stay in. it isn’t bacause “women are crazy” or any other misogynistic shit like that. it is something to do with our internalizing of patriarchal values, which i must be guilty of, and the subsequent struggle for dominance. another day. my tamagoyaki is ready.
friday
so today, although vincent is slightly congested, we are going out for a bit…to the zoo, because my kid is amazing and deserves it, then, maybe to the farmer’s market, cause mama wants to poke around. this is so close by, and i never go there, and i bitch about how much decent produce costs at whole foods, so i am being a bit of an idiot by not at least checking it out. if it doesn’t get too hot. it is already really, really warm and muggy and vincent and i both get cranky, fast, and overheated even faster. so, goal is to be at the zoo by 10:30, so that we can have a couple of hours before the oven really gets cranked up.
if it is too hot to head to the farmer’s market today, then i will do my bathroom project when we get home. more about that later, that is, if i actually accomplish anything!
oh and i found my camera wednesday night, hallelujah. so my blog will be complete with photos.
thursday
is not my favorite day, really. it is daddy day, and they usually do something fun, like go to the zoo, and on my days home, i usually do housework. cooking. cleaning.
part of me is resentful about this and part of me can only blame myself. tonight, when i am tired and going to the grocery store after work, i will wear my ipod to make it less irritating. it is not cool that this time is part of what i consider “mine”.
the perceived inequality in the chore load isn’t my imagination, but i say “perceived” because i know my husband just doesn’t see it.
the chore chart will be my project on saturday after work.
this is me
here is my space, my real space, where i will write from my heart and mind about my daily life as a mother, which has become an inextricable facet of my identity, and one i am proud to embrace. being a mother has galvanized me and i need a place to process my thoughts and feelings, from the mundane to the profound. this will be that place. my life is caring for my self, my family, my home. my work life is caring for others, my clients who at this time are adolescent drug users. my passions are almost all connected to something listed here. i am trying to incorporate more self care, because honestly, i went back and edited that sentence up there when i realized i had actually written “home” before “self”. i love my family and my home and probably even my career more than i love my actual self, and that is the real underlying hope of this blog; that i might uncover why i have a hard time treating myself as well as i treat others.
that, and to keep track of my life. my pictures of my boy, recipes, lists, epiphanies, rants, ya know, all of that.
